Sexual autobiography How did I become the sexual person I am today?
Up to age 18, shaping my sexual behavior was generally most influenced by my mum, my Sunday school teacher and the catholic school I attended. At a young age maybe 6 or 7 years old I remember asking my mum where children came from she answered “a parent gets a call from a supermarket from which God drops a child and labels it the patent’s name and phone number so the supermarket attendant can call the parent”. I remember wondering why a parent would go buy a sick or paralyzed child because I sure wouldn’t take a broken sweet from the shop unless it was given to me for free, but I dint ask. At age 9 as I read the bible about how Lot’s children had made him drunk and had intercourse with him then got pregnant, I remember not knowing the meaning of the two words ‘intercourse’ and ‘pregnant’ so I waited till mom came home from work, had rested and made dinner then I asked what the words meant. Even my pronunciation of the two was horrid at first she couldn’t even understand me till I showed her the verse in the bible. She looked down and said “gosh, even I don’t know what the words mean. Next week I will buy you a dictionary so you can look them up.”
Growing up with a single parent can be tough especially because mom was never home and when she was she was either too tired or too busy to talk. As the first born you are forced to learn to defend yourself and your siblings from bullies in school, learn and be clever so you can help them with homework and sometimes even cook for them when mom is late. The last memory I have of my father was him drunk one night when he hit me so hard with his hand I woke up in two days later in a hospital ward. From that day, it even became taboo to mention him or the word dad anywhere near my mother or our home. My mother was overprotective she never allowed us to play outside with the children in the neighborhood saying they had un-Godly behavior and would make us unclean.
At age 12 I had my first crush on a boy that used to sit next to me in class. Tall, dark and handsome seemed to be my taste in men at that age. It became suddenly so awkward to be around him. I noticed things about myself I dint like being speechless and blushing every time he looked at me. Having been a strong girl, defending everyone and supporting everyone I dint like feeling helpless and insecure so I changed seats in class. Then I found out that my then best friend liked him too so I had my little heart break, cried and moved on. My attraction to my crush was never sexual. I had no sexual feeling toward him; I just liked being around him and touching his hand anything beyond that was disgusting to me.
At age 14 I went to a catholic based boarding school. High school is where I learnt all the things about sex and contraceptives. The friends I made in high school all seemed to have some kind or sexual experience some with boys and some with other girls. The kind of movies and songs that we listened, danced to and watched also had some kind or sexual scene. It was the case of a naïve little mama’s girl learning that mom lied and mom doesn’t know everything. So came the rebellious phase where I thought my mom either dint know or wasn’t telling the truth. My friends and the media became what I would listen to: ask a friend or ask Google became the norm for me. However, it never occurred to me to have a boyfriend. I always thought about doing one thing at a time and that time studying was the most important priority. Mom had once in an awkward “avoid boys” lecture told me that sex was meant for two people who loved each other and it always had consequences if done when people are not prepared to raise and feed children. I guess the bend fish while it’s still fresh thing works.
After high school I joined university to do a course my mother wanted me to do in a university she had dreamt for me. I had no say in that. The university was only 30 minutes from home so I went and came back home daily. I felt trapped, living my life like I had rented it, controlled by both God and my mum. It was at this university that I met my first boyfriend; Light skinned, tall, handsome and well built. He was Asian-African and of Islam religion. I felt lucky. I finally had someone to share my confusion with, my stresses and my joy: Someone else’s shoulder to lean on. He was never really like a father figure to me, more like a friend, an advisor and a person who somehow could arouse some sexual thoughts in me. He did the same course as I did only a few semesters ahead of me so he was also somewhat like my teacher too.
With him life seemed so simple. I started appreciating my family and God and all the little things I had in life that others struggled to have. I had thought of men as abusers and people who should be avoided, he made me see that there are some that are different: kind, honest, loving and sincere. And just like that for the first time I trusted someone other than myself; I was experiencing my first love without even knowing it. I was his first and he mine, I hoped he would also be my last. That was until the religious differences between us could no longer be ignored. My mother wouldn’t accept him and his father me. Our love was slowly suffocating the both of us. None wanted to convert to the other’s religion and its beliefs. It was then that we came to the realization that we can only be together as friends. That was my first real heartbreak, big and painful almost paralyzing.
After the pain subsides one realizes that it was an out of life experience, a once in a life time chance to meet and be with that one person that understands you without you having to say a word. The pain changes you, you become more mature, wiser and more conscious of how you should be treated, how far is too far and what to expect. The experience teaches you that you are a lot stronger than you think and that you deserve not what you are given but what you work hard to earn and maintain. It teaches you to treat others well and to be humble so people in general can treat you well in return, you know that true love is real and can be experienced.
The worst thing about that first love experience is that now you start comparing every guy that approaches your ex. You compare their skin color, vocal variation, height, the way they act even the size of their nail one can compare. You try to find your ex in every person you meet and no one will ever be as perfect as your ex in anything. For most people a break up brings along with it low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem make you think you should settle for less than what you want, that you deserve less, that you are not beautiful enough to get the guy that likes you and that you are not worth anything anymore. Fighting the low self-esteem can be hard; A lot harder than overcoming a painful heartbreak. One has to such deep within themselves to find true happiness in themselves again, to find worth in who they are, to recognize that they are who they are not because of a certain individual but because they worked hard to become what they are and that they are worthy of having a lot more. So I had esteem issues for a while after the breakup but I can now say I have recovered perfectly.
Who I am today sexually has been influenced by:
- My mom, the numerous values she instilled in me while I was still young, and for being able to depart from my dad when he became abusive even though she had children to raise has taught me not to stand around people that ill treat me just because I love them.
- Religion, being a Christian has taught me to love myself first before loving others and not to give myself away to people who do not respect me and what I stand for and believe in.
- My culture has taught me to believe in myself that eventual everything will work itself out and if you are wise enough you will learn to build your life before you meet someone to share it with you.
- The media has taught me that sex can be good, fun and enjoyable but when enough precautions are not taken there are dire consequences that affect an individual’s life like pregnancy and STIs
- My friends have taught me that even when they are out there having fun and talking about it, I am not forced to follow their way of life and they will still love and support me the same.
- My experiences have taught me that I am stronger than I think and I can achieve a lot more my working hard. That love is real and can be found and experienced and that sometimes it’s good to stick to what really defines you and not conforming to something new that you don’t like just because you need acceptance from the person you are in love with. To distinguish between love, lust, infatuation and crushes is important in decision making about who to be with and who to shun.